2 SUNDAY | OCTOBER 17, 2010
IS there anyone in the world you like
totally? As in, approve everything
about that person, all the time? Even
if you are wildly, obsessively in allconsuming
love? Even if you have your
rose-tinted glasses pushed right back
up your nose? Can you honestly say
there is nothing at all about your loved
one you would rather change?
Surely not. It cannot be possible to
like everything about even the one
person you love most in the world —
be it a parent, a child, or the man or
woman in your life! There will always
be at least one trait you dislike, one
negative you would
rather wish away.
And therein starts
our quest to change
those we love most. If only that teeny
weeny thing about them could be
changed — a habit given up, a personality
trait dropped or another acquired!
Parents go beyond the formative
years of kids and waste precious
time and energy trying to
change their adult offspring! People
even attempt to influence a
change in traits of old parents!
And yet one negative trait cannot
possibly make you give up totally
on a loved one. A recent article
in Los Angeles Times talks
critically of a therapist who advised
a woman
to totally sever
all ties with her
father since he
was “evil”. When
the author, a social
psychologist Carol
Tavris, asked the woman if she thought
her father was 100 per cent bad, she
replied, “No, I think he’s a normal guy
who made some mistakes.”
For one negative, you cannot possibly
give up an entire relationship. Couples
spend entire lifetimes trying to
change each other to tally with their
idea of perfection.
How much better life would be if we
just accepted each other as we are!
And just learn to turn a blind eye to the
little things we don’t like, even as we
make the most of the vast things we
love about each other.
Why is it compulsory to like everything
about a friend? You can pick on
what you like and focus on that, turning
a blind eye to what you do not approve
of. Must you go around trying to
change the world? You can value a
friend for her loyalty and generosity
and forgive her for her streak of cattiness.
You can love the side of her that
you cherish and simply accept, even
ignore, the one you disapprove of.
What a sense of peace that brings to
a relationship!
Now, if nobody can be perfect, no
one can be all bad either. Even in the
worst of humans, we can find some
goodness we can relate to and appreciate.
How can anyone be all
good or all bad? How can you be all
right or all wrong? You wouldn’t be
human if you were! Gods and Goddesses
too have their weak spots and
moments. It was the wonderfully
good, maryada purushottam (finest
specimen of a human
being) Ram who
turned away from his
devoted wife Sita.
Tavris in her article goes on to talk of
Gandhiji ‘who reached the highest
moral stage and yet often treated his
wife, family and followers in a harsh
manner’; Martin Luther King Jr, ‘who
led the civil rights movement and gave
up his life for it, yet was a womaniser’.
Vietnam war hero John Paul Vann,
‘who performed astonishing feats of
bravery, yet was an obsessive seducer!’
In her latest book The Power,
Rhonda Byrne urges, “Notice the
things you love in other people, and
turn away from the things you don’t
so you don’t give them any feeling.”
She goes on to say,
“If you can’t love
the good in someone
or something
simply turn away …
turn away by looking
for the things
you love in life!”
I have yet to read the book (even
though the Newsweek review urges
all to stay away from it), but to me
the extract seems to echo what I am
trying to say here.
Much like you would do at a buffet,
take the best from each human being
and from every relationship and enjoy
it to the fullest. And just as you would
walk past the dishes you don’t care
about, do not focus on what you don’t
like and so get hassled or make futile
attempts to change it!
TIMES NEWS NETWORK
vinita.nangia@timesgroup.com
‘‘FOR ONE NEGATIVE,
YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY
GIVE UP AN ENTIRE
RELATIONSHIP’’
bad!